Let go, to soar or to fall

I couldn't agree with you more this time, it was me who took the liberty to stride into the empty darkness knowing that I might not walk out intact again. So now that I'm tearing my hair out as the void consumes me mercilessly, who else but me myself is at blame? 

"It was your choice," so you said. Flabbergasted, but very true indeed. But, really? Can you just wipe off your sleeve and say all these have nothing to do with you? Are you not the very reason why I risk whatever left in me to venture into the darkness?

"It is my choice to fall, and if you're hurt seeing me falling, that's the part I couldn't help," so you said. Never mind, now that I'm once again slipped back to the back seat, I guess it's time for me to feel the sun again. I wish the best of you and if you ever needed me again, turn back and I'll still be there. But this time, I promise you won't see the fool ever again. 

As much as you've reminded me of the choices are always laid in our very own hand, I hope you have not forgotten that happiness, too, is a choice. And this time, it's not just the choice, it's my choice.

Hopefully it's yours too.


p.s Infatuation and love are two different thing, choose carefully and wisely.

One Last Lazing Saturday of the Year

The moist air of a Saturday evening

and the breeze so full of freshness,

rainbow after the rain, so they said.

As the guitar twangs in my ears,

my heart races to where I longed

everything's gonna be ok, so I said.

Till you soar, I'll go

The truth is crystal clear

but my mind a tangled skein

afraid of being unravelled

Is it the knot from past

or the fear of losing you

I do all I could

to be near you

double your laughter

and divide your sorrow
to see you soar high again

when your wings are no longer broken

I do all I could

to not cross the line

Alas, your tears smudged the edge

everything comes tumbling down
laying there defenselessly

I do all I could

to finish this tightrope walking

poising between delusion and reality

but I simply do not know how

how to let you go

You Are Beautiful

Oh my dearest friend, 

Why are you sobbing silently in that little corner?

Look! The meadow full of spring flowers now laid in front of you,

Set free and the bleak winter shall be ended.

Oh my sweetest friend,

Why is your heart crooning a torch song,

Feeling nothing but unwanted,

Listen! Angels carolling around you,

Warming the cold night with the candle light,

Indeed, you are loved.

Oh my beloved friend,
Though times never last,

Hide not your tears,

Let it run down your cheek, 

Wash away the pain of yesterday, 

Salvage the remaining goodness, 

And bring it with you to the next journey.

Oh my prettiest friend,
It's not easy but this ache will soon be over,

Put on your smile and doubt not yourself,

Afraid not to show your true colours, 

For they are beautiful like a rainbow.

Food for Thought

"Relationships, no matter how good, are inevitably a series of compromises. But how much of ourselves should we be willing to sacrifice for the other person before we stop being ourselves? In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?" - Bradshaw, Carrie, Sex And The City

Rediscovery: The Sequel

A good book is a book that no matter how many times you read, there are yet something for you to cultivate. And this is just one of it. I remember reading it once in 2007, and rereading it again yesterday just made me discover something new, more importantly, rediscover some part of me that has been forgotten.

Nothing ever stays the same, the mall that I work in has undergone major renovation; the road that I take everyday has additional ramp; friends and family members around me have taken me by surprised in some way or another... And even me myself, has changed so much over the years. Once a vulgar, hot tempered and naive brat, now except for still being naive, the first two have bid me goodbye. Good riddance! Even the way I'm communicating with my younger sister now has slightly changed. Putting down my ego and joining her camwhoring, instead of reacting to her wrongdoing with snarl but inspire her through other ways, at least she moved away from Mr. FB and volunteered to prepare drinks for the last dinner I cooked, at least she took the initiative to learn how to make McFlurry, at least, she started to change her attitude; at least she herself picked up a few books and promised to finish it. Hopefully by the time she finishes Who moved my cheese? a better result could be witnessed. 

"Keep doing the same things over and over again and wonder why things don't get better. If this wasn't so ridiculous, it would be even funnier."

Change, still adapting to the life without you but I wouldn't say I'm not enjoying it. With the extra time I have, I get to attend my colleagues' birthday dinner or farewell, get to catch up with some old friends and from there I enjoy hearing their stories. The adventure to dive in the dark cold ocean, the friendliness of the people in gay bar, the frequent travelling to other countries for work of an ex-senior, the cultural differences brought back by secondees from other countries, the firm foundation of a long distance relationship, the long term relationship that teeters on the brink of break-up, all of them is like a unique story on their own, with values that I could enrich myself. 

Nothing ever stays the same, perhaps that's why sometimes we should just take a little time to step back and re-look/redo the things/people that we thought we know so well, who knows you might just rediscover something new? 

It has been a revolutionary time, but the amazing feeling of discovering what you wanted at the end is what you wanted at the beginning is immensely comforting. 

p.s. Who moved my cheese? is a MUST READ, simple metaphor but could be useful for life. It only takes at most one hour to finish, simple and straightforward.

Rediscovery

Sometimes, I get confused by my own beliefs and emotions.

Who am I?

Small Retreat

It's not my first time setting foot in Ipoh, but the novelty never wears off as if my every visit to this place was the very first. The food that revives my taste bud, the stalagmites and the stalactites that reintroduce the beauty of the Mother nature, how could I ever get bored of this place? 

Ah, I'm so going to miss the white coffee! 

Another night waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pace doubled. Frustrated by the fact that all the attempts getting back to sleep are to no avail, I hauled myself out of my bed and sit by the window, staring blankly into the darkness, hoping the serenity of the night could perhaps turn into serendipity. 

From the corner of my eyes, I could see my own reflection on the window, sitting calmly with my chin resting effortlessly on the back of my hand, akin to the Thinker. Oh the Great Thinker, what was it that put you into such deep thought? Were you too pondering the one word so widely known but only few grasp the true meaning of it? Love, what is it all about? Some say love is like a rubix cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it. So the question is, what is the combination of perfection? I know not, but the best quote that has caught my attention is this:

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes."  ----- Nicholas Sparks, A Walk To Remember

My reflection on the window gradually lost its form, replaced by the wisp of memories reeled back in time, replaying themselves in front of me...

how we spent hours and hours making the yet-to-be-completed papier-mâché photoframe for your sister's wedding, how you cheered me up when I screwed up the wedding medley on your sister's wedding ceremony, how our hands sweat for the first time we hold each other's hand, how you cried on our first valentine's, the embarrassing moment when I accidentally called your dad "dad", how I always failed to surprise you, how you jokingly whacked me when I first gave you the invisible letter and how you fell into the same trick again the second time, how you were mad at me for telling white lies and made me a completely real person as I'm now, how you took away my worries and sorrow when I was down, the extra milo powder in your milo ice, how I pecked on your cheek in cinema unannounced, the cake that you baked for our 8 months, how you ate 4 and a quarter of mochi in one shot and the happiness shined all over your face, how we sacrificed sleeping time to skype when you're in New Zealand, how we communicated through emails, how I piggybacked you around, shout our lungs out while we're playing watersport in Penang, decorating mashmallows for Min Min's first birthday, how you crave for fatty crab or tian xiang, how I tucked you in bed everytime you're sick, how we talked about the future happily, how you tried to teach me dance but the poorly coordinated torso brings nothing but laughter, the wonderful night you donned in cyan maxi dress and the candle light dinner prepared all by yourself, the share of excitement when you won the championship of your very first ball room dance competition, the beef steak that turned out quite mediocre and the cream puff that doesn't puff...

What has brought these two totally unconnected persons together? And what was it then that has contributed to the current situation? Was it muscle memory that urged you to cling to my arm or was the hidden desire of yours? Is true love just once in a lifetime? If you could walk your life once more, how differently would you choose your path this time? If there's a still chance to turn things around, would you let it slipped through your fingers or hold it as tight as you could and never let it go again? And if I ask you to dance, would you dance with me?

I struggled tremendously deciding if I should publish this post or should I just keep it as a draft. As much as you want to avoid inflicting any further pain on me, I too hope that you could walk away easier. But that's the thing about seeing the pearl that you once hold so dear but now it's not being treated as good as it used to be. Since I've promised you I won't hold back even knowing that you would read this, I'll just go by my words, hope this will not become the reason that jeopardise the friendship we have now. I'll remain silent but he better holds you tight and gives you all his love...

好難得在地球上七十億人之中，我們握住彼此的手；

好難得在一生的兩萬多個日子裡，我們相擁走過一段路；

好難得在你的人生風景，曾閃過我的名字和我的樣子。

無論最後我們有沒有走下去，

每段相處都是彼此生命中，獨一無二的好難得。

Simply Awesome!

This is the email that made my day this morning. 

Mike, a vacation trainee seconded from Chicago whom I worked with few weeks back. Such sincerity and friendliness! Thanks Mike, you're always welcome to visit Malaysia, and next time, I'll make sure I fulfil my obligation as a host. And this is what my manager told me after spending weeks of sleepless night plodding through a mountain of work.

What a stark contrast! Perhaps the latter one has magnified the appreciation I felt when I read Mike's email. Not only he denied our hardwork, he even trying to take credits at our expense. I wonder who was the one requesting us to combine all worksheets in one excel file but convert each tab into PDF for submission despite how we told you it's redundant and inefficient; who was the one keeping quiet when the client has not provided us all the information as agreed but refused to revise the timeline; where were you when the client was making a huge fuss out of nothing; who was the one knowing nothing after reviewing the file and asked my newly joined junior to clear queries with partner? And since when were you working late? I've seen you missing-in-action more than anything else. Despite all your incompetency and inconsideration, I've still did what you've asked in respect of your position, but it does not mean that I respect you as a person. 

If this happened to me last year, I might just keep quiet and take it with a sigh, but not now. Obviously, I'd not succumb to this Hobson's choice and I'll fight for what is rightfully mine, meaning both my OT and my performance! 

"If you want change, you have to make it. 

If we want progress we have to drive it."

Trivial #1

As the soft ray of the golden evening sun oozed across the reddish sky, I couldn't help but to stand underneath for a good five minutes with my eyes closed, allowing the evening heat to permeate through my skin and ignite my bones. For months I've been working relentlessly through the wee hours, comatose from lack of sleep, barely sustaining on will and caffeine. As the heat slowly wraps itself all over my body, I could feel a gust of energy bursting insideout, associated with a flood of relief. Finally, all burdens are shook off and I'm home for dinner. Ah, pretty pretty sunset, how I've missed you so!

At at a moment like this, I'd pick up my phone and dial the number I know by heart and share all the things that excites me during the day or just listen to your voice and there goes all my sorrow. When my mind swirl into chaos, she always has this power to command the chaos back in order. Many of the times, she's the only one whom I wanted to share with, as though she's the gravity my life circles around, sounds dangerous but true. That was when I was still lucky enough to be in possession of that special someone. But now that I've lost her, I've to fall back to this quiet little space, to put things down in words and trying to clear my mind.

You see, I'm too a human, nothing more nor less. When my mind is unoccupied, it conscientiously races down to my memory lane, drawing fleets and fleets of memories from the back of my mind and lodges them in front of my eyes. Sweet, sour, and some funny feelings I couldn't quite tell. And somehow when all these emotions jumbled up, it often associates with questions like how are you? Are you well? Are you happy? Where on earth are you now? and urges me to dial your number. When all these questions meet no end, they turned into the ugliest feeling spreading hatred in me. This really surprised me, guilty and disgusted by the thought, I have to keep myself busy before I left it uncontrollable and allowing this little devil to impair the goodwill we've built thus far. No, not a single speck or blemish is allowed to mar this last piece of gift from you. This is a tiresome mind warfare, but it all paid off when I still find myself being able to talk to you like a long lost friend. It's always great to hear from you and it comforts me that at least I didn't screw this up.

So you're still pretty much the same, even the grudge on me not getting you anything on your last birthday has not dwindled a tad. Speaking of which, your birthday is just around the corner, this year, in a different position, allow me to say this, "Happy Birthday! May your dreams stay big, problem stays small!"

p.s. Happy 3 years-old Hachio!

When the wind blew and the rain hailed mercilessly from the seamless dark cloud high above, 

rocking the small wretched boat aggressively to the arrhythmic beat of thunders, 

when the sailor shivered hopelessly and helplessly in the lone dark night, 

have the captain risked his life careening through the damp, cold night to rescue him?

Or simply left him stranded in the bleak weather, nauseated, just to appease the God of Thunder,

even though God of Thunder has all himself to blame for misplacing his own Mjölnir?

I know not, but I gave the benefit of doubt.

A Short Respite

I was heart broken when the first time I was brought here. The second time, brought by the same person, only with a bigger crowd but a lighter atmosphere. Congratulations on your promotion and I guess those who have been your juniors are most thrilled on you reconsidering to stay for another half a year. At least we know that someone's backed you up, even though only one.

"The world suffers a lot, not because of the violence of the vile, but because of the silence of good people."

I couldn't agree more at first, but after a brief self reflection, my inclination is no different from the rest. Have I not backed away when I was talked down and tell myself "forget it, never mind..." But I'm not going to stay this way, I'm going to conquer my cowardice and voice up against unfavourable treatments.

Also on popo's short-term secondment to the Kiwi land, truthfully happy for her, her late nights and hardworks have finally paid off. The world is not all doom and gloom afterall.

I wonder if I could be as extraordinary as them, impacting other's life positively. And what does the future hold? I wonder...

160612

It was supposed to be a day worth celebration,

Marking a new milestone in walking our life together,

A day to jump with joy on my result and the end of your exam,

Nothing seems more perfect 

As if we were made for each other

And dancing together in your prom.

This was how I've pictured, 

Only now it is a dream that would never come true.

How many thousand times,

I've picked up my phone trying to dial your number,

But it's not easy,

for a new chapter has begun,

I'm no longer your need,

Like a pen run out of ink, 

It's time to replace.

I know, 

It's not been easy for you,

It must have hurt you so bad to have it replaced.

I know,

I shouldn't have opted for a break,

It was out of good intention,

Nigh was your exam,

Concentration and focus you needed,

For I failed to notice the root of the cause.

For I thought stress was to be blame.

I still care,

And I know you do too,

But the way we care for each other,

It would be a challenging one.

But I'll stand by you,

Genuinely as your friend,

If you ever need me.

Just so you know,

I'm letting go,

For your smile is what I adore,

Even though I'm not the reason you smile anymore.

That's the last thing I could give,

Bitter sweet taste,

I'm going to miss you,

Like a child misses his blanket.

For years I've not cried,

I never felt this much alive and real, 

Yes, 

You've thought me it's ok to cry,

It's ok to show your true colour,

You believe in me and gave me strength,

Made me a real person than I was,

Thanks for loving me.

 And I'm fine,

Life has not lack of laughter, 

It's been great,

I believe,

tomorrow will be even greater,

to me, to you.

My lacrimal gland has became slightly active recently, so active that I almost tear while I was indulging myself in Glee for the past two weekends. It reminds me of my high school, only not so fulfilling; it reminds me of all my broken dreams, reigniting the courage to dream big again; it reminds me of the unfinished journey with you,  with melodies best remain unsung. 

Somehow, I still think maybe one day, you'll come back to me like how it always happens in movies. But neither am I Leo nor you're Paige. It's glad to see how happy you are now. Oh please, make no mistake, I'm happy now, even though the end of the road to full recovery is still  unseen, and every now and then, I still miss you, as a friend. 

 Anyway, I like this song so much recently, one more song added into my weird music collection, well, I've always have weird taste, don't I?  :p

Like a heavy downpour without any sign, a rush of mixed emotions just swarmed my mind, drowning me in the endless uneasiness...

Please be happy, at least don't look back anymore, at least let both of us know that we've made the right choice. Yes, I still miss you a lot and there are times I wish I could have the courage to hold you back, but I know all these will not turn out good, at the very least, make me a good memory to you. 

But please, don't make me a stranger to you. That's really hurt. I'm just not that kind of person who can say goodbye like nothing happened before after being so close. 

Please be happy, for sometimes good things must fall apart so that better things can fall within. 

Just close my eyes
 you will be alright

I will be alright

everything will be alright

 you and I will be safe and sound

right?

Here I Am Again

Any loyal reader out there? Ok never mind, I see no hands... It's ok, I just feel like writing =P

Believe me, there were times where I was back here with the intention to share, but for whatever reasons, it always got interrupted and now, there are more drafts than published posts in my admin page. Hopefully this post will be published and not remained as draft.

Well, second day of 2012, but I seriously not in a mood to set my new year resolution neither am I in the mood of reviewing my progression on my last year's resolution. But 2011 had been a year so different from what I've gone through for the past 20 years or so. Well, I'd just dedicate this post to some of the TOP moments in 2011.

Top 2 Terrifying Moment in 2011

2. I've done my work and I asked my senior through online communication tool if he/she needs any help and he/she replied "I need someone to kill me, can?" 

Believe me, that's one helluva of scary stuff. First thing first, I barely know him/her and secondly, online communication tool has no emotion, so I don't know if he/she's fooling around with me or I'm simply too annoying. Not knowing what to do next, I just stood there dumbfounded.

1. My car spun violently and all I hear was several loud crashes and glass shattering, thank God I'm still alive...

I do not wish to re-experience this ever again, it is the worst thing ever happened to me by far. Thank God I was alone on that road that morning and I came out the badly damaged car unscathed.


Top 2 Unforgettable Moment in 2011 

2.  I visited my grandma in hospital and she asked me to sit but I said I've been sitting too long until my backside hurt, she smiled... And that was her last smile...

I've never liked the idea of dying, and even though I know sooner or later I'm going to experience it, I've always shun the thought away. Until in late August 2011, I've seen my grandma passed away in front of me. She'll always in my heart, may you rest in peace, grandma.     

1.  She was dressed in light blue Maxi dress, a 3-course-meal awaiting me...

That was one of the best nights I had in 2011, she cooked a 3-course-meal all by herself, setting up the candle lights and waiting patiently for me to come over after work. When her plan dawn on me, I couldn't close my jaw for a good 10 minutes and no words came out of it. It was very unexpected and hey dear, you are awesome! Thanks and I will always love you...

Happy 2012!