9-11-2016

9/11/2016, to the world it was the 14th anniversary since one of the darkest day in human histories. But on a personal level, it marked my first anniversary in the State. Mathematically, it is no doubt 365 days since I boarded the jet plane, but it felt much longer than that, more like half a decade. I wonder if it's the changes in season that stretched the concept of time in my mind or I was simply astonished by how much the kid in me has grown up. Either way, I have to admit I haven't done a good job in keeping a journal to bore my readers.

So much has changed since then and it seems like I've ventured off my comfort zone way too deep, it felt like a lifetime ago since I was last at peace. I often find myself wondering if what I've gained over the past year outweighs the losses, I just couldn't quite tell. With six more months to go, I only hope winter will be good to me.

It all started with us being assigned on a same job that eventually never happened, but I couldn't explain why I was so drawn to you. Perhaps it's your brilliant smile and your dimpled cheeks, or maybe it's your kindness and genuineness that permeate through the room when you walk in, all I knew was I was swept off my feet and the next thing I know, I was trying to catch your attention and that's how the Starbucks free delivery text came about. Our very first text message. Few weeks later, I mustered all the courage I have within me to ask you out for jogging. I know, not romantic but I wanted it to be continuous, so that I would have the chance to slowly get to know you and vice versa.

Never know why, but only you seem to find my lame humor funny. And of course, that's the part not many people is lucky enough to see. Perfect is never on my resume or part of my profile, and I always wondered why would you fell for me. Overslept on our second jogging date; instead of West Virginia I blurted out female's genital; overacted on the promotion dinner you organised; pretending to be walking a dog using lanyard in office... Honestly, not a single day I woke up without telling myself I'm one hell of a lucky guy to have you by my side.

You know what was the one date I loved the most? The one where we were in Starbucks reading our blogs and laughed like the whole world only existed for us. Being around you is always so spontaneous, natural and your presence alone just melt down all the high walls I built to guard my emotions. As I'm writing this, all our memories resurfaced right in front of eyes. How lovely they are, even those times where we fought, at least we were still standing by each other and fought through whatever life thrown at us. Truth is, no matter how perfect a relationship is, they are never without challenges. What makes it perfect is the courage to weather through together, and never stop having honest conversation together.

As I walked down the memory lane, tears welled up but a gust of contentment warmed my chest. Sad because this train has come to a halt; contended because I was happy to played an important role in part of your life. I couldn't thank you enough for everything you have done for me. From taking care of me when I was immobilsed to the last farewell party you pulled off for me before I left Malaysia, I felt loved all these times with you and if you do not already know this, you are amazing hun. You thought me a lot of things and I've always admire you, your decisiveness, caring and kind personality, intelligence and knowledge, courage and passion for life. The fact is I look up to you and you inspire me to be better self.

Travelling with you is what I love the most. I love holding your hand and strolling along unknown streets hunting for food; taking random pictures along the way; experiencing different cultures and trying new things together, sipping Mojito and people watching. Although Bali is our only trip with just us, I've always looking forward to more trips with you. At least that's how I envisioned our future but eternity doesn't seem to favor us. I know I probably screwed up here but I finally found out why, but it seems like the realisation came too late.

Our love was impeccable, least we could say that we had our moment. But we underestimated the challenges on long distance relationship and somehow it crept into our life and crippled our communication. I once thought as long as we keep each other in mind we'll get through it, but apparently it's not just that. Love, as simple as how we fell for each other, could just be as complicated as rocket science. Maybe it's not a subject meant to be understood anyway.

Although you told me the reason behind your decision, my mind is still full of questions. But one thing for sure, if time repeat itself again, I wouldn't have chosen otherwise, even if the ending is the same. Perhaps the prettiest thing in the world just isn't meant to last, guess we just have to live at the moment without regret. You said love is a choice, and I couldn't agree more. No matter what comes next, I hope you will choose love not fear. Remember, love conquers all; fear deters.

1 of May

At a corner of a cafe,
Your face beamed with excitement and anticipation,
My heart raced as I nervously whispered in your ears,
You shyly nodded and a magical journey began,
Two souls bound together,
On 1 of May.

Perhaps we exhausted all our pixie dust,
Scars lay bare and souls wearied,
Hopelessly seeing the last winter breath,
Freezes all the promises spring could bring,
Yet another unfinished melody,
On 1 of May.

To us!

This is probably nothing new, but I still can't help to comment this, time flies eh? So, another year has passed since my last post which means, I have a lot to update, no? Certainly it is. Since my last post, sport injury had me immobilised for weeks and had me re-learnt how to walk at the age of 24; I've tasted the sorrow of death and celebrated the joy of a newborn; and most significantly, I've been blessed to have a beautiful soul by my side throughout this bumpy road.

Who is she? Well, glad you asked. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you Drama Queen:

Not close enough?

As you might or might not aware, just a little less than 48 hours ago marked our very first milestone and thanks for the long weekend, we get to celebrate our anniversary with a long deprived date! Wuhoo! 

And so we started off our day with the Michelin Star Dim Sum - Tim Ho Wan in Mid Valley. Despite knowing that the dim sum is just so-so, we couldn't resist trying, well there's a saying "never try never know" right? We were quite lucky that we're spared from the long queue as we were pretty early, but still the restaurant was crowded, the power of Michelin Star perhaps?

True enough, the dim sum is overrated and overpriced except for the Baked Bun with BBQ Pork, it's something different and yes, it's yummy-licious! And we enjoyed the Tonic Medlar and Osmanthus Cake. 

Baked Bun with BBQ Pork

Tonic Medlar and Osmanthus Cake

We spent the next few hours window shopping and meeting up with my family before hitting the cinema for Avengers - Age of Ultron. 

It was about 6pm when the movie ended, which means it's time for what we've came for:

Wait, got to be patient and let her take a shot first you see.

Milkcow's infamous honey comb ice cream. 

Yes, she has big stomach for dessert, look at her face.

  We had dinner at Robata Monkey, and I shall let the photos do the talking:

Scrumptious dinner and great accompany, what else could I ask for? Thanks for all the supports and joys that you've brought to me thus far, it hasn't been an easy ride but I'm glad to have you by my side. 

Here's to us! Happy Anniversary! :)  

Dear blog,

It's been really quite a while since I last visited you. Well, I've never forgotten about you, but most of the time, laziness gets the better of me and so I paid a silent visit without leaving trace, but be rest assured, you've always been my confidant and home to my emotions. Thanks dear blog, for preserving my memories as I travel along this highway to hell.

So I believe you have met my best buddies not long ago huh?

#Sherlock Holmes Wannabes #buddiesforlife

Yup, that's us trying to be Sherlock Holmes cracking mystery, it was a fun night!

#2012vs2013 

And that's us after a year buddy-ship. Spot any difference? Just ignore my hair will you?

How about a snippet on the little devil in my house is now 4 years old! Putting a smile on your face to him is just as simple as ABC, but sometimes he does drive me up the wall when he choose to misbehave. 

#Bday #duckphotobombing

The most epic moment that stays with me is that he asked for something and to imbue good manners in him, so we asked for the magic word, ie. please. But he answered instinctively: "Meeska, Mooska, Mousketeer!" Ain't he adorable? 

So dear blog, I guess that's it for now. What?! Where have I been on weekends? Gah, you surely are qualified for paparazzi, but guess you're right! I've been having good times on weekends and things are going smoothly, so stay tune and I'll tell you more when it's time! 

Off to bed, take care dear blog!  :p

Sometimes, happiness is just random!

She just simply stunning, ain't she? 

And listen to this...

How could you not admire her! 

Anyway, both are equally great and what I'm more looking forward is more good musics in future! =)

Dilemma of a Chessplayer

My chessman hang still in the air,
tensed as the dead draw on board.

Will you show me bare,
hard I pray to the Lord.
Hesitant to advance,
unwilling to retreat,
my chessman hang still in the air.

"Oh Little Johnny boy, 

what is that you are

searching high and low?"

"Good day, Grandma Willow,

have you seen the Egret Orchid?

Unique and rare as it is."

"Oh Silly Johnny boy,

ain't you holding it

in your tiny little hand?"

Let go, to soar or to fall

I couldn't agree with you more this time, it was me who took the liberty to stride into the empty darkness knowing that I might not walk out intact again. So now that I'm tearing my hair out as the void consumes me mercilessly, who else but me myself is at blame? 

"It was your choice," so you said. Flabbergasted, but very true indeed. But, really? Can you just wipe off your sleeve and say all these have nothing to do with you? Are you not the very reason why I risk whatever left in me to venture into the darkness?

"It is my choice to fall, and if you're hurt seeing me falling, that's the part I couldn't help," so you said. Never mind, now that I'm once again slipped back to the back seat, I guess it's time for me to feel the sun again. I wish the best of you and if you ever needed me again, turn back and I'll still be there. But this time, I promise you won't see the fool ever again. 

As much as you've reminded me of the choices are always laid in our very own hand, I hope you have not forgotten that happiness, too, is a choice. And this time, it's not just the choice, it's my choice.

Hopefully it's yours too.


p.s Infatuation and love are two different thing, choose carefully and wisely.

One Last Lazing Saturday of the Year

The moist air of a Saturday evening

and the breeze so full of freshness,

rainbow after the rain, so they said.

As the guitar twangs in my ears,

my heart races to where I longed

everything's gonna be ok, so I said.

Till you soar, I'll go

The truth is crystal clear

but my mind a tangled skein

afraid of being unravelled

Is it the knot from past

or the fear of losing you

I do all I could

to be near you

double your laughter

and divide your sorrow
to see you soar high again

when your wings are no longer broken

I do all I could

to not cross the line

Alas, your tears smudged the edge

everything comes tumbling down
laying there defenselessly

I do all I could

to finish this tightrope walking

poising between delusion and reality

but I simply do not know how

how to let you go

You Are Beautiful

Oh my dearest friend, 

Why are you sobbing silently in that little corner?

Look! The meadow full of spring flowers now laid in front of you,

Set free and the bleak winter shall be ended.

Oh my sweetest friend,

Why is your heart crooning a torch song,

Feeling nothing but unwanted,

Listen! Angels carolling around you,

Warming the cold night with the candle light,

Indeed, you are loved.

Oh my beloved friend,
Though times never last,

Hide not your tears,

Let it run down your cheek, 

Wash away the pain of yesterday, 

Salvage the remaining goodness, 

And bring it with you to the next journey.

Oh my prettiest friend,
It's not easy but this ache will soon be over,

Put on your smile and doubt not yourself,

Afraid not to show your true colours, 

For they are beautiful like a rainbow.

Food for Thought

"Relationships, no matter how good, are inevitably a series of compromises. But how much of ourselves should we be willing to sacrifice for the other person before we stop being ourselves? In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?" - Bradshaw, Carrie, Sex And The City

Rediscovery: The Sequel

A good book is a book that no matter how many times you read, there are yet something for you to cultivate. And this is just one of it. I remember reading it once in 2007, and rereading it again yesterday just made me discover something new, more importantly, rediscover some part of me that has been forgotten.

Nothing ever stays the same, the mall that I work in has undergone major renovation; the road that I take everyday has additional ramp; friends and family members around me have taken me by surprised in some way or another... And even me myself, has changed so much over the years. Once a vulgar, hot tempered and naive brat, now except for still being naive, the first two have bid me goodbye. Good riddance! Even the way I'm communicating with my younger sister now has slightly changed. Putting down my ego and joining her camwhoring, instead of reacting to her wrongdoing with snarl but inspire her through other ways, at least she moved away from Mr. FB and volunteered to prepare drinks for the last dinner I cooked, at least she took the initiative to learn how to make McFlurry, at least, she started to change her attitude; at least she herself picked up a few books and promised to finish it. Hopefully by the time she finishes Who moved my cheese? a better result could be witnessed. 

"Keep doing the same things over and over again and wonder why things don't get better. If this wasn't so ridiculous, it would be even funnier."

Change, still adapting to the life without you but I wouldn't say I'm not enjoying it. With the extra time I have, I get to attend my colleagues' birthday dinner or farewell, get to catch up with some old friends and from there I enjoy hearing their stories. The adventure to dive in the dark cold ocean, the friendliness of the people in gay bar, the frequent travelling to other countries for work of an ex-senior, the cultural differences brought back by secondees from other countries, the firm foundation of a long distance relationship, the long term relationship that teeters on the brink of break-up, all of them is like a unique story on their own, with values that I could enrich myself. 

Nothing ever stays the same, perhaps that's why sometimes we should just take a little time to step back and re-look/redo the things/people that we thought we know so well, who knows you might just rediscover something new? 

It has been a revolutionary time, but the amazing feeling of discovering what you wanted at the end is what you wanted at the beginning is immensely comforting. 

p.s. Who moved my cheese? is a MUST READ, simple metaphor but could be useful for life. It only takes at most one hour to finish, simple and straightforward.

Rediscovery

Sometimes, I get confused by my own beliefs and emotions.

Who am I?

Small Retreat

It's not my first time setting foot in Ipoh, but the novelty never wears off as if my every visit to this place was the very first. The food that revives my taste bud, the stalagmites and the stalactites that reintroduce the beauty of the Mother nature, how could I ever get bored of this place? 

Ah, I'm so going to miss the white coffee! 

Another night waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pace doubled. Frustrated by the fact that all the attempts getting back to sleep are to no avail, I hauled myself out of my bed and sit by the window, staring blankly into the darkness, hoping the serenity of the night could perhaps turn into serendipity. 

From the corner of my eyes, I could see my own reflection on the window, sitting calmly with my chin resting effortlessly on the back of my hand, akin to the Thinker. Oh the Great Thinker, what was it that put you into such deep thought? Were you too pondering the one word so widely known but only few grasp the true meaning of it? Love, what is it all about? Some say love is like a rubix cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it. So the question is, what is the combination of perfection? I know not, but the best quote that has caught my attention is this:

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes."  ----- Nicholas Sparks, A Walk To Remember

My reflection on the window gradually lost its form, replaced by the wisp of memories reeled back in time, replaying themselves in front of me...

how we spent hours and hours making the yet-to-be-completed papier-mâché photoframe for your sister's wedding, how you cheered me up when I screwed up the wedding medley on your sister's wedding ceremony, how our hands sweat for the first time we hold each other's hand, how you cried on our first valentine's, the embarrassing moment when I accidentally called your dad "dad", how I always failed to surprise you, how you jokingly whacked me when I first gave you the invisible letter and how you fell into the same trick again the second time, how you were mad at me for telling white lies and made me a completely real person as I'm now, how you took away my worries and sorrow when I was down, the extra milo powder in your milo ice, how I pecked on your cheek in cinema unannounced, the cake that you baked for our 8 months, how you ate 4 and a quarter of mochi in one shot and the happiness shined all over your face, how we sacrificed sleeping time to skype when you're in New Zealand, how we communicated through emails, how I piggybacked you around, shout our lungs out while we're playing watersport in Penang, decorating mashmallows for Min Min's first birthday, how you crave for fatty crab or tian xiang, how I tucked you in bed everytime you're sick, how we talked about the future happily, how you tried to teach me dance but the poorly coordinated torso brings nothing but laughter, the wonderful night you donned in cyan maxi dress and the candle light dinner prepared all by yourself, the share of excitement when you won the championship of your very first ball room dance competition, the beef steak that turned out quite mediocre and the cream puff that doesn't puff...

What has brought these two totally unconnected persons together? And what was it then that has contributed to the current situation? Was it muscle memory that urged you to cling to my arm or was the hidden desire of yours? Is true love just once in a lifetime? If you could walk your life once more, how differently would you choose your path this time? If there's a still chance to turn things around, would you let it slipped through your fingers or hold it as tight as you could and never let it go again? And if I ask you to dance, would you dance with me?

I struggled tremendously deciding if I should publish this post or should I just keep it as a draft. As much as you want to avoid inflicting any further pain on me, I too hope that you could walk away easier. But that's the thing about seeing the pearl that you once hold so dear but now it's not being treated as good as it used to be. Since I've promised you I won't hold back even knowing that you would read this, I'll just go by my words, hope this will not become the reason that jeopardise the friendship we have now. I'll remain silent but he better holds you tight and gives you all his love...

好難得在地球上七十億人之中，我們握住彼此的手；

好難得在一生的兩萬多個日子裡，我們相擁走過一段路；

好難得在你的人生風景，曾閃過我的名字和我的樣子。

無論最後我們有沒有走下去，

每段相處都是彼此生命中，獨一無二的好難得。

Simply Awesome!

This is the email that made my day this morning. 

Mike, a vacation trainee seconded from Chicago whom I worked with few weeks back. Such sincerity and friendliness! Thanks Mike, you're always welcome to visit Malaysia, and next time, I'll make sure I fulfil my obligation as a host. And this is what my manager told me after spending weeks of sleepless night plodding through a mountain of work.

What a stark contrast! Perhaps the latter one has magnified the appreciation I felt when I read Mike's email. Not only he denied our hardwork, he even trying to take credits at our expense. I wonder who was the one requesting us to combine all worksheets in one excel file but convert each tab into PDF for submission despite how we told you it's redundant and inefficient; who was the one keeping quiet when the client has not provided us all the information as agreed but refused to revise the timeline; where were you when the client was making a huge fuss out of nothing; who was the one knowing nothing after reviewing the file and asked my newly joined junior to clear queries with partner? And since when were you working late? I've seen you missing-in-action more than anything else. Despite all your incompetency and inconsideration, I've still did what you've asked in respect of your position, but it does not mean that I respect you as a person. 

If this happened to me last year, I might just keep quiet and take it with a sigh, but not now. Obviously, I'd not succumb to this Hobson's choice and I'll fight for what is rightfully mine, meaning both my OT and my performance! 

"If you want change, you have to make it. 

If we want progress we have to drive it."

Trivial #1

As the soft ray of the golden evening sun oozed across the reddish sky, I couldn't help but to stand underneath for a good five minutes with my eyes closed, allowing the evening heat to permeate through my skin and ignite my bones. For months I've been working relentlessly through the wee hours, comatose from lack of sleep, barely sustaining on will and caffeine. As the heat slowly wraps itself all over my body, I could feel a gust of energy bursting insideout, associated with a flood of relief. Finally, all burdens are shook off and I'm home for dinner. Ah, pretty pretty sunset, how I've missed you so!

At at a moment like this, I'd pick up my phone and dial the number I know by heart and share all the things that excites me during the day or just listen to your voice and there goes all my sorrow. When my mind swirl into chaos, she always has this power to command the chaos back in order. Many of the times, she's the only one whom I wanted to share with, as though she's the gravity my life circles around, sounds dangerous but true. That was when I was still lucky enough to be in possession of that special someone. But now that I've lost her, I've to fall back to this quiet little space, to put things down in words and trying to clear my mind.

You see, I'm too a human, nothing more nor less. When my mind is unoccupied, it conscientiously races down to my memory lane, drawing fleets and fleets of memories from the back of my mind and lodges them in front of my eyes. Sweet, sour, and some funny feelings I couldn't quite tell. And somehow when all these emotions jumbled up, it often associates with questions like how are you? Are you well? Are you happy? Where on earth are you now? and urges me to dial your number. When all these questions meet no end, they turned into the ugliest feeling spreading hatred in me. This really surprised me, guilty and disgusted by the thought, I have to keep myself busy before I left it uncontrollable and allowing this little devil to impair the goodwill we've built thus far. No, not a single speck or blemish is allowed to mar this last piece of gift from you. This is a tiresome mind warfare, but it all paid off when I still find myself being able to talk to you like a long lost friend. It's always great to hear from you and it comforts me that at least I didn't screw this up.

So you're still pretty much the same, even the grudge on me not getting you anything on your last birthday has not dwindled a tad. Speaking of which, your birthday is just around the corner, this year, in a different position, allow me to say this, "Happy Birthday! May your dreams stay big, problem stays small!"

p.s. Happy 3 years-old Hachio!